I am Weiner

Do not ever kick an amoeba in the leg. First of all they are way too fast for fat old folks like me. Then there’s a problem I have with my medication that makes my eyes focus on things that are not there sometimes. In the dark it’s really bad. So, I heard a cat on the roof of the camper last night. Or, I thought it was a cat. My cat, Anderson, was inside the camper with me so I knew it wasn’t him.

My little white knight (a 1996 Mercury Trio s/w) is backed right up to the overhead in the camper where I sleep so it’s easy for most animals with four legs and half a brain (unlike some politicians I am too familiar with and whose names I would not repeat if she hadn’t been called twice to serve in the — never mind) to hop up onto the roof of the camper and try to steal my half-gallon of milk I put up there last night.

So, I got up after beating on the ceiling a couple of times and opening the skylight and grabbing the milk while looking around in the dark for my a flashlight? Doesn’t matter anyway. Anderson wanted out so I put on a shirt and went outside the addition we have added to the back of the camper; a little 12’X12′ room with a wood stove, a dining room table and most of my library with a few house plants and water containers for cooking and bathing. I walked around in front of the white knight and didn’t see a thing. When I got back around behind the addition I figured the cat or whatever it was was gone.

Well, let me tell you what a gang of amoebas can do to an old blind as a bat fool like me in the dark of the night. There must’ve been twenty or thirty of them all waiting in the wood pile as I maneuvered past the tarp between the wood pile and the pile of furniture, pots and pans, tires on top of the whole thing to keep the wind from blowing the rest of my neighborhood away — they were everywhere. I found my rake and tried raking a few of them but they got away and made it back in behind the wood pile right next to the addition. The axe was behind me now and I wasn’t sure if anyone of them would hold still long enough to remove one or more of the hairs on their heads but I wasn’t scared yet.

Then, Oh Boy! Three of them bum-rushed me so I decided to kick the one with blue hair right in the nethers. I almost got him but like I said they are pretty fast and as I slipped on the damp rocks, (it had been trying to rain all day yesterday and even put some snow up onto the mountain behind us) my knee on the right side gave out and I almost fell completely to the ground just as the one with the blue hair and his cousin Tod pulled the tarp loose and tried to smother me with it. But I backed myself up against the pile of furniture, pots, pans, tires, the air compressor, a piece of junk Ford generator that doesn’t work unless you hold your tongue properly, a dog house Lula got for the cat and, I gave a quick kick with my bad right knee which, in hindsight, may have been not only a bad knee but a poor choice as well, seeing as how my left, correct knee is not quite as nearly messed-up as my wee knee or the right one. All the same, the two ringers had me and all I could do was take a hold of the axe and slit the little blues one’s shoelaces.

The remainder of them were headed back for the white knight and I figured, again, the worst was over. Hah! I don’t know how they did it and I don’t really want to know but, they managed to get the log chain I had under the tarp where all my tools and oil and filters and nuts and bolts and staplers and nails and you get the idea — this much I do know: those little suckers are vicious and should not be allowed to run around after curfew.

All things must pass. But, I’ll not ever want to tangle with another amoeba the remainder of my days if they’re coming back for revenge for what I did to the one with blue hair and his cousin, Tod. Or, maybe I can be a little better prepared and give myself a reminder to not leave the milk on top of the camper again.

You know, it might have be a bird up there, too. But I’ll not lose anymore sleep over it. Unless, of course, Anderson can’t get to the mail box in time. So be it.

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